| I sat on my couch this evening after and exhausting day of college classes, hospital visits, and being the information liason via phone and in person, and decided I would watch a little TV before I finally caught up on some much needed rest. There were a few choices, bearing in mind that we live in the country in the middle of no where southern Ohio and only have 7 channels when it's not storming, and after considering my 3 main options I decided to watch the 20/20 Special with Barbara Walters-The Steve Irwin Story. I have always loved and deeply admired Steve Irwin. This is a little known fact to most people who were not involved in my life in the early years, but I have always been in love with Australia. Something about the Sydney Opera House has completely captivated my whole being ever since I can remember. I have always dreamed of going there, it is so extravagant. An ex-boyfriend of mine got the amazing opportunity to spend a summer in Sydney, while we were dating. He was there visiting family. I shared my love and admiration for the Opera House, and guess what?...He totally went there and took pictures of it just for me. Oh my goodness. It was so breathtaking. Just in the pictures. I would stare at the picture for long periods of time, and sometimes I would stare at it and then close my eyes and listen to him describe every inch of it's beauty. :) I have also always loved Australia b/c of the animals, namely the koalas. When I was a little girl I was totally obsessed with panda bears and koala bears. One of my greatest "big kid dreams" as a little girl was to go to China and Australia and set up nature preserves and research facilities for Panda's and Koala's. I had so many stuffed animals, wrote tons of stories and dreamed countless dreams about the Panda's and Koala's and my passion for them. To this day I still get a twinkle in my eye when I see bamboo. Now that you understand some of my love for Australia, you can also understand my love and deep admiration for Steve Irwin, his mission, but mostly his passion. As I watched the interview I was filled with joy, as I saw the amazing man that Steve was come alive on screen, through stories, through pictures, and through his life. I was filled with sadness and compassion for Terri, his dear wife, as she went through the interview and shared so much of her life, so much of her heart, and all of her soul. When it came to Bindi, Steve's beautiful and amazing 8 year old daughter though, it was a whole different story. I laid on the couch, tears streaming down my face, sobbing. I couln't figure this out. Obviously everyone is sad for her, but this...this was different. It wasn't just sadness, it was deeper. Then it hit me. I was not merely feeling sorrow and compassion, I was feeling the connection of a kindred-spirit, understanding the ravaging pain of the loss of a Daddy. There are so many parallels. I too was raised by an amazing Daddy, who cared as much about animals as he did about people. Our animals weren't crocidiles and cobra's though, there were cows, pigs, ducks, rabbits, goats, horses, dogs, cats, turkeys, and anything else that wandered in or needed a home and some TLC. My Daddy just couldn't say no. He had a beautiful way with animals. He could connect with them in such a special way, much like Steve Irwin. I have such beautiful memories of my Daddy, me, and the animals, just as Bindi does. Before I could even walk or talk, I was with the animals. When I was around the age of 2 I wouldn't give up my passifier. My parents had tried everything and were at there wits end. This one day I was in my play pen and I was playing with this cute little lamb we had. I am not sure if it's Mama had died or was just sick, but it was winter and we were bottle feeding it and taking care of it. We had put a diaper on it at my request, b/c to me it was a baby like me and a very good friend. Mom and Daddy brought it up to me that the poor little baby lamb, who was younger than me, didn't have a passifier. My heart broke, and I gave that little lamb my passifier...never to want one again b/c it was his now. I also remember the first time I got to help my Daddy deliver a baby lamb. It was the middle of a really bad winter (here in Ohio) and I was around 6 or 7. Daddy had been going out to check on the Ewe (female adult sheep) every hour or so, b/c she was getting close to delivering the baby. I was all over this situation, b/c I had gained a special bond with the Mother and I loved sheep. I would eagerly wait at the door for Daddy to return from the cold, dark outside to tell me how she was. Finally he came back in and told me she was too weak and if he didn't help deliver the baby we would lose them both. I immediately started to suit up. He helped me assemble and put on all 5 layers of clothes to go out with him. We tromped through the deep, cold snow, and made our way to the barn. Daddy assembled a syringe and some liquid medicine to ease the pain of the Ewe, he also got a burlap sack. We went into the hay mow area where the ewe had her own warm place. She was weak, and not doing well. I helped hold her down, while my Daddy pulled the baby lamb out. After a little bit, the baby lamd came out. Daddy threw the burlap sack at me and put the baby lamb inside it and told me to cover it up real real good, keep it warm and love on it. You would think that an animal birthing experience would be pretty traumatic and repulsive to a 7 year old, but not me. I had never seem a more beautiful lamb in all my life. Daddy helped me clean out it's little mouth, and after I heard that first murmured little "baaahhh!" I was in love. My Daddy taught me so much about animals and how to love them. Through so many of those lessons, he taught me so much about life in general, how precious it really is, and how important it is to love every human and animal and do everything that you possibly can to help others. I will never forget the day that Daddy had to shoot Bear. Bear was the greatest golden dog ever. Daddy got Bear when Bear was only a pup. I think Daddy had him for about 10 or so years. As a little girl, I was petting Bear one day, and felt lumps in his throat. I went screaming and tearing inside sobbing, "Mommmmmyyyy, Daaadddddyyyy, Bear is choking, Bear is choking, come now, we have to save him.....!" Well, Bear wasn't choking, but tests would reveal that Bear had throat cancer. He didn't live much longer. The cancer went to his brain, and he wasn't the same anymore. He started being real real mean and turning on us. Daddy built a special cage, so we could keep him just a little while longer, as that dog was so much of our world. It finally came to the point where Bear was a totally different dog, he was suffering and things weren't going to get better. Daddy got the gun. My Daddy was a very strong, amazing man. He could do anything. And in that moment, I saw this super strong man, my Daddy, cry for the first time that I can remember. It broke my little heart. He put the gun up to aim probably 10 times, only to bring it back down, because the tears streaming down his face caused him limited visibility. He finally did it. It was by far one of the hardest things in his life. He cried and cried, and so did we. We had a beautiful funeral for Bear, but we have never forgotten that dog. I have never forgotten the tears my Daddy cried and the anguish in his heart that day. It's ironic to think that a very similar situation would take my Daddy out of this world and away from me, Daddy's Little Girl. He had been with us for long time, but the darkness had started to cloud his mind. He turned into a different person, he was suffering and things in the future didn't look so good. I wonder, as I always have an always will, if Daddy's tears that day clouded his visibility, like they did the day Bear died. I will never know. What I do know is that I will forever keep those precious memories of my Daddy within my heart, and I will think of them often to keep him alive in me. The reason I feel so much of little Bindi's soul is because I know what it's like for Daddy's Little Girl to be without her Daddy. You become more adjusted, over time to being without him, but the pain and the loss....they never go away. There are so many days when I will just cry and cry and sob. There are other days when I will softly smile as I have a sweet memory of him. Still other days I am so angry and go running and want to punch a punching bag, or just anything for hours. I miss him terribly. I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I miss him yelling at me. I miss his hugs. I miss snuggling up against him on the couch watching a movie. I miss going sledding with him in the blistering cold of winter. I miss going to the barn with him. I miss his hugs and kisses. I miss him kneeling down, putting his hands on the side of my bed and gently whispering to wake me up in the morning..."Laaaacy. My little LacyBug. It's Daddy. Wake up!" and me reaching over and putting my hand on his and saying, "Good morning Daddy!" I miss him saying I love you! I miss him oh so much. There are so many times when I just want to close my eyes and go back to that little girl at the barn with my Daddy in the blistering cold, holding that baby lamb in the burlap sack. Mostly, I just want to be a Daddy's girl with a Daddy still here. I know that I have a Heavenly Father, but it is so different. It is so hard for me to think of the future without him in it. The one thing I hated growing up is that I only had one Grandpa. My Dad's Dad died when I was only 2, and I don't remember him at all. I wanted ever since I was 3 or so for my kids to have both sets of Grandparents to grow up with...that will never happen now. I want him to give me advice on life, love and other mysteries. I want him to help me figure out what is wrong with my car when it doesn't work, and help me change my oil. I want him to help me fix stuff in the house, and help me make a futon from wood,.....none of this will ever happen. Most of all, I want my Daddy to walk his little girl down the aisle whenever I get married....that will never happen. Everyone made a big to do about Bindi being so strong and reading the thing about her Daddy at the funeral. Terri said in the interview that Bindi cried and cried and cried, but that she was very strong. I did the same thing. I was the strong one. I was the only one from my family at my Daddy's funeral, that stood up and did anything. I sang one of his favorite songs, "Amazing Grace!" To everyone else it seemed as though I was so strong, when really there was a little Daddy's girl inside me that just wanted her Daddy. I do not speak much of these feelings b/c it is so very hard and something that almost no one truly understands. I understand Total Suffering and Complete Joy, because mine is a heart of a Daddy's Girl Without a Daddy! |
